Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Vile

I think I'd make a good villain.

Obviously I would have a lot to learn about henchmen, superweapons, and being evil. I mean, it's not like they taught it in college (correction: I'm pretty sure they didn't teach it in college, but I never took accounting classes). I don't think I want to try to work my way up from henchman either. In the first place, I can't imagine that henchmen have very good promotion prospects. In the second place, I'm not sure the point of being a villain is to work your way up throught he ranks honestly.

Anyway, to get started I'd need a secret hideout. Let's consider some real-life villains. Doctor Doom for example...he has a legion of minions and his own small Eastern-European country and lots of superweapons. Plus the awesome mask is a plus. Latveria. Hmm...you know on second thought I'm pretty sure he's not real.

Well...I mean a real villain is someone like Bin Laden, right? He has henchmen...a whole bunch of them. They even have a crazy villain organization name...not cool like SPECTRE...but still a name. Al-Quaida. I'm not sure Allah's wrath counts as a superweapon, but didn't he put fear into the hearts of millions, if not billions of people by committing the most heinous atrocity man has seen in like 60 years. Wow...what an asshole.

Of course 70 years ago there was another villain that we can look upon for inspiration. He only committed genocide and was the impetus for the biggest war in history.

I don't want to be a villain anymore.

3 comments:

Evan said...

This is a matter of definition sir, as are all good argument beginings. To begin you are describing a "Villian" who also falls into the catagory of Scad, Vagabond, Low-Life, etc. Bin Laden and Hitler fall under the scope of the word "Villian". "SUPERvillians" on the other hand are cheeky and fun. They have cool baritone voices (like Claw: I'll get you GADGEEETTT!), they use weapons unexplainable to science or physics (like COBRA's "Pyramid of Darkness"), and they live in lavish hidden fortresses that are uncharted on ADC MAPS (like Dr. Evil's "Me" shaped island). Everyone knows that "Super Villians", despite the term 'super', never actually acomplish any harm to anyone... with the exception of their endless hordes of Blue Pajamaed Ninjas who get soundly pummelled by Heroes at the drop of a hat. You know what they say though, you can't make an omlette....

A career of Super Villiany has many rewarding moments like failed attempts to write your own name on the face of the moon with a stolen military laser and foiled plots to convert running water over the Hoover Dam into easily transported cubes of tangible energy. The future is yours sir, the future of Super Villiany

PocketSize said...

Just remember:

1. The villain never gets the girl.

2. You would totally need the Michael Wincott voice, and you only have that when you're sick.

Evan said...

I humbly disagree with the ascertation that the villian never gets the girl. I turn to famous villians Destro and the Countess, who were known to make out on the battle field from time to time. I also point to Ashram who found true love with that elf woman whose name escapes me. Dr. Girlfriend and her boyfriend Supervillain The Monarch also come to mind. Given these examples I begin to wonder if the badguys don't always get the HOTTEST girls....

I will begin research on the matter at once and report my findings.